A Peaceful Posture

Driving on the local highway this past year has been treacherous due to municipal improvements.  For some mysterious reason, the onramps have been drastically shortened and lined with concrete barriers forcing those looking to merge to courageously burst into traffic.  Near misses have been a regular occurrence due to these adjustments.   

Often societal changes sneak up and surprise us eliciting a spike in adrenaline and split second decision making.  One of the trends on the rise is parental estrangement from adult children.   Estrangement is not a new phenomena but the causes are shifting.  In the past, estrangement often resulted from arguments over tangible items like land, family property, inheritance, or abuse.  These are still present, but today psychological and therapeutic catalysts are much more common. 

Joshua Coleman, PhD, In Rules of Estrangement writes, “One of the more profound ways that our culture has changed in the past century is in its embrace of the individual as separate from the family and the community at large… To that end, family members have increasingly come to be viewed as facilitators (or obstacles) to a fully realized life, rather than necessary and forgivable features in an expectably imperfect existence.”  When parents are accused of falling short, offended by their adult child’s choices, or asked not to bring up certain subjects, parents of adult children have a difficult decision to make, often under the threat of estrangement.  

The assumption that relationships are a social contract which can be dissolved when disadvantageous can be shocking to someone who assumes familial relationships are covenantal and unbreakable.  

Societal trends which place the advantageous or pleasant above the noble tend to discard the people and the traditions of the past while denigrating them because of perceived deficiencies in scientific acumen or algorithmic conditioned preferences.  

To link this trend back to education, it is hard not see a correlation between an education designed to help the student get ahead rather than to live well.  Conflict resolution becomes too cumbersome a task to take on for the person untrained in scholarly habits such as making connections, tracing developments, plotting lines of reasoning, anticipating patterns of action, decoding recurring symbolisms, appreciating plots, and uncovering motifs.  

The range of options in dealing with conflict are the extremes of fight to flight with the moderate option of mediation in between.  Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker is a helpful resource here.  We often find that it is easier to avoid issues, keeping the peace, rather than making peace.  No doubt conflict is ubiquitous, uncomfortable, and persistent but there is a skill and reward to navigating life with a peaceful posture.  As our children mature, our relationship with them will change.  Most likely, we will not be happy with some of their decisions, but hopefully we can continue to encourage them to look to the best examples life has to offer.  Influence is a precious commodity but it is a two way street.  In some ways, influencing others requires allowing oneself to be influenced as well.   

Hopefully, when we are surprised by life’s sudden changes, we will make the adjustments quickly enough to merge safely onto the next stage of our journey with our children and our families.