Negotiation or Compromise?

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator,  in Never Split the Difference suggests that "life is negotiation.”  Negotiation allows us to learn new information and influence behavior which includes any interactions where one side wants something from the other side.  “Your career, your finances, your reputation, your love life, even the fate of your children - at some point hinge on your ability to negotiate.”  A few of his tips are empathy, mirroring, labeling, calibrated questions, accusation audit, and aiming for “that’s right.”  

Empathy: Understanding and verbalizing the other person’s perspective.  Give them a chance to affirm or deny that you have accurately discerned what they are trying to communicate. 

Mirroring: Repeat the last few words of what someone just said.  This encourages them to elaborate.  

Labeling: Identifying and verifying the other person’s emotions by saying, “It seems like…”  This diffuses negative emotions and reinforces positive ones.  

Calibrated Questions: Use opened ended “how” and “what” questions to enlist the other side in solving the problem while generating ownership in the solution.  “How am I supposed to do that?  What about this works for you?”  

The Accusation Audit: Proactively listing all the possible negative things about you or your suggestion the other party might be thinking.  This helps you as well to be open and honest about your interests and relieves the other side from the decision to reveal the elephant in the room.  

That’s Right:  Aim for “that’s right” which means they feel understood rather than “you’re right” which may mean they just want the conversation to end without agreement.  

Never Split the Difference: Compromise can mean no one gets what thy want or need.  Instead, seek creative solutions that address the underlying issues and interests.  

The Power of “No”:  Let people say “no” as it let’s them feel powerful and in control while strangely opening up the possibility of real negotiation.