Through the Fire Swamp to Happiness
“I just want my child to be happy.” How often have you heard those words? I will sometimes ask parents of students in my class or on teams I have coached what they want for their child. This is a very common response. It is hard to find fault with this sentiment but is it possible to find happiness directly or is it a bi-product of something else?
The BioSphere 2 project which ran from 1991 - 1993 in Arizona was designed to be a closed system ecological project with the longterm goal of simulating space colonization. One of the more fascinating finds was in reference to trees in the rainforest section. These trees after reaching sufficient size would fall over due to their own weight. The lack of wind and storm during their sapling to maturity stage stunted the development of a vigorous root system. Outside the protected bubble, trees normally resist forces coming from all directions and hence reach out with their roots in order to anchor deep into the surrounding soil. This is normal and healthy.
As a parent I often struggle with watching my four children weather the storms and undulations of life. But I do love watching and rooting for them. My daughter loves soccer. Over the past six or so years she has been on a variety of teams and played for many coaches. The past two seasons were in some ways polar opposites. Last spring her team won all their games and the championship while this fall they failed to win a single contest. To add insult to injury, her fall coach assigned her 50% of the goalkeeping duties which she greatly disliked. As I watched the last two seasons unfold, it was easy to make too much of the results and lose sense of the true purpose of the endeavor.
What I value as a parent for my soccer playing daughter is a coach who breaks down the technical skills of the sport into bite-sized repeatable chunks, communicates strategy, reinforces the value of effort, preaches team spirit, and emphasizes an expectation for regular improvement. A coach can stand the kids in a line taking shots one at a time without pressure, talk at them for 15 minutes telling them all the things they didn’t do or he or she can break down specific skills, demonstrate them, and build dynamic activities to reinforce their skillful application stopping the action from time to time to correct or praise as appropriate. Unfortunately, even with surprisingly different results, my daughter’s coaches both seasons spent the majority of practice time in static lines and scrimmages without restrictions or distinctions putting the majority of the onus on the players to develop.
In education the same temptations appear. In Policy Debate we pick a resolution early on in the semester. I have eleven weeks to break down the skills of the event before the students test their abilities against another team. We review logical fallacies, lay out appropriate forms of argumentation, conduct research, practice thinking on our feet, demonstrate note-taking, and brainstorm strategies to organize the research collected for quick retrieval. In any endeavor there are a composite of skills that must be mastered. My job is to break those skills down and come up with profitable and enjoyable ways to practice them while increasingly the level of difficulty as the students gain competency.
Yes, my daughter loves soccer. I love it when she is seeing with greater perception, practicing bite-sized skills, giving consistent effort, and expecting improvement to follow. I need to remind myself that it’s not the wins or losses but what she is practicing that counts. The winds and storms she endures in her sapling stage will serve her well when she is mature. As she faces challenges, the rodents of unusual size (see The Princess Bride) in the Fire Swamp, I need to check my emotions and let her struggle to overcome the adventures as they arrive. The dance happens when attempting to let in the challenges that are beneficial for growth and keeping out the situations that are toxic and destructive. I believe her sense of growth, courage, and real mastery will produce the type of longterm happiness and joy she is really searching for.